Unexpected...

So....transformation complete. Exciting right? ? I got my braces off, I got a new hair do...should be exciting and fun times for me?

I don't think I ran this scenario through my head...What I had hoped would be elation and skipping through enormous fields of pretty flowers ended up being confusion and distancing...I never thought the reverse support effect would occur. Now granted I got the initial 'wow' an occasional 'you look great'...etc....but no one ever prepared me for the just simple staring...and the 'you just look so different, I don't even know you anymore'...eek.

Now I've really created a complex. It, I suppose, should be looked at as a catch 22: I got what I wanted- A chance to TOTALLY reinvent myself, just start all over so to speak; but man it's lonely out here. I guess all I can do is take whats been handed to me, and try to make it work. Try and figure it all out somehow. Maybe it's time for a location change too? Or a job change? Why not shake up the whole thing?! I've already shaken up most of it.

This feeling of being in a snow globe has to end soon...Don't those little snow-like particles settle eventually?

End of the Road

Wow I never thought, in a million years, that this day would come.....never EVER!!

I got a call today asking if i could come in for the de-bracing tomorrow. Wow tomorrow, really? I was so excited I did a dance in the Service Department's waiting room at Manchester VW. The sales guys caught me and laughed. I don't even care....I don't even care about the state of my potentially totalled car...I don't care about anything else. I have this laser focused on 10:15am tomorrow. 10:15am...and I will finally wake up from the nightmare that was my life the last 1.75 years. Wow....I feel...freedom...elation...and just confusion. What now? I feel like that pet, that has never gotten outside, but has tried a lot, to do it. I finally get out...and now what? Where do I go from here? Well it shall be interesting. I am expecting a lot of people who were not there for me over the last year, to change their tune, and suddenly try and get back in my life again...gah...Super Bitch reporting for duty.

Again I can't thank my friends enough for sticking with me through this. I know I have been super difficult to all of you. I may have even alienated you at one point or another due to my raging emotions, and for that I am deeply sorry. I was looking for sympathy that I honestly could only find within me...Did I ever find that elusive peace? Not really..but I did try exceedingly hard. I hope with this freedom, comes peace from the inner war that I have been waging against myself.

So tomorrow, at 10:15am, it will all be over.

Wish me luck!

Important Safety Tip...thanks, Egon

Gah! I'll explain the reason for that a bit later....but first the good stuff...

So every few years or so. I like to completely reinvent myself. Change my hair drastically, how I carry myself...etc. It's fun and exciting and I eventually become a hybrid of what I was previously. So I started off reinvention 2009 with a new haircut. My hair was about halfway down my back, and I got it hacked to a little above the shoulders in a cute bob. LOVE IT! It's so much easier to care for over the course of the day.

Next step was the ortho. Eek. I was prepared to have her tell me she still just wasn't quite happy with the bite and to adjust/see you in 6 weeks. However, she told me that she was quite happy with the final result and that I am ready to go!! Woot woot!! YOU HEARD ME!! I AM GETTING MY MOTHER EFFING BRACES OFF!! WOOOOOOOOOOO!

Alas I knew that day was too good. I got into a car accident on my way home that day (hence the 'Gah!'). Car runs, but is not drive-able. Thankfully the body shop that has it, says they would be VERY surprised if the car was called totalled...I think he may have even used the word shocked. *phew* I was all bent out of shape as to whether I totalled ANOTHER car. Thankfully it looks like this one is repairable. It may take a few weeks, but I'll get it back. Once I get it back I'll be accepting applications for chauffeurs.

So that has been my whirlwind week. The great news being a fab new haircut, and GETTING MY MOTHER EFFING BRACES OFF!!

I'll keep you posted on the car situation, and when I get the call to come in and get the teeth done. :-D

Catch ya soon.

Another year....

Wow, happy birthday to me.

What to say about the last year. Honestly I have ridden a roller coaster of emotions to a point where I must be setting some sort of world record. I think I have hit the highest highs and the lowest lows I am capable of. There were days I would wonder, why am I doing all this...what's the point? And there were days where I didn't think my life could honestly get better than this. I suppose we all have these moments. I just felt like I was constantly running through that gauntlet....like 'running ladders' from PE class.

I see that light at the tunnel....Its been in my view for some time, its just unreachable. Maybe in a month? or 3 weeks? Who knows. I am just thankful it will be soon. And as soon as that day is discovered, I will be making plans for a party, and my new tattoo.

I nearly lost my life in a crazy car accident. I still have nightmares about that to this day. I can only hope someday they just go away. Maybe next year? I would never wish the absolute terror I went through on anyone. Even DK.

One very bright spot in the last year has been my absolute dedication, and devotion, to dance. I wish it wasn't so ridiculously expensive, but I love it. Nothing makes me feel better about myself, and feel incredibly confident, than being out on that dance floor. I would be one bitter debbie downer if I didn't have to look forward to each week.

I love my friends. There are days where sometimes I want to smack them upside the head, but honestly, they have allowed me to maintain some sort of sanity in the last year. They've helped me keep my chin up and smile even when I didn't think I could. Without you guys, I would be lost, and probably a hermit.

So for reflection, it's been a transformation year for me. I got a new face, a new car, and a new found respect for myself through dancing. There is also a shiny new telephone pole where the one I so abruptly removed was.

Cheers to another year....and for more firsts in the next one. It can only get better :-)

*muah*

Missing you...

I know I know....I am horrible at updating this thing.

I read my last post and noticed it was from May. MAY!! I used to update this weekly, or even at least monthly. There's been plenty to report on, I just haven't had time to sit down and put it on paper. Have no fear....I have returned.

So what's new....hmm...

May - My bestest friend/sis got married. It was a beautiful day for a beautiful wedding. I had a ton of fun in NJ that weekend. Other than that typical shenanigans. I successfully completed 2 levels in dance in what I affectionately referred to as "Hell week" (6 straight days of dance class).

June - was completely a blur. Honestly I have no real recollection of what went on. I know it rained for a month. According to my favorite weather guy, Kevin Skarupa, we had 9, count'em 9, days of sunshine. The end of the month was spent buying the MJ catalogue. Did I do anything fun? Probably, but nothing out of the ordinary.

July - the sun finally came out!! Woot woot!! For fun this month, I spent an extended weekend in LI picking up some wine. Wrecked my ankle...pretty bad too, considering its been 3 weeks and it still hurts...oh well.

This month, August, kicked off with our annual shitshow known as Harborcane. Local coverband, Hypercane, does an annual booze cruise and we all get together to party like a rockstar...limo and all...for one night. Its always a good time...

On the ortho front, I get the go/no-go next week (14th) as to if I am completed with my "orthodontic treatment". That may be the best birthday present ever, or quite possibly the straw that breaks the camel's back. I know I am seeming dramatic, but I'll be 28 next Saturday, I feel this crap is preventing me from moving on with my life. I even feel like it's preventing me from just simply being me. Weird right? I've just immersed myself in dance in hopes to avoid social situations where I will just feel incredibly awkward and unhappy. (see: all social situations). I am ready to, I need to, just move on. I am anxious and excited all in the same space.

So here I sit on August 2nd....wishing the next week and a half away. I feel like I've wished the 2 years away, which I think I have. Is that a success or a failure? You make the call.

Home Stretch

You know I wanted these things off for my college roommate's wedding. I really did. But you know...sometimes we just can't have everything. However I do adore my new fancy bone structure in my face and I cannot wait to show it off post-"orthomess". I have a feeling the day I get those babies off, oh man...watch out. There will be some serious intoxication and partying to a degree we have never seen.

I just came back from Mexico. I had a wonderful time and met some fabulous people from all over the world. However I think the best thing about the trip, aside from the crystal blue ocean and the fabulous tan I am now sporting, is that no one...not one...person mentioned my braces. Not one. I actually brought it up once. They didn't even seem to care. How do I get people like that here?!?! Seriously. Some of these people were drinking too!! Can I clone them? Can I ship them here, or move out there? Pretty please with a cherry on top? Damn NH...

Anyways it was a superb time....I honestly did not miss NH. The more I go to Mexico or other misc. Caribbean countries, the less I want to come home. I missed my kitten, who missed me terribly. There are a few people I would miss if I ran away to some far away land, but overall, I wouldn't miss this place one bit....Oh and I may or may not have H1N1/swine flu/whatever-the-hell-it's-called-this-week virus. I am a fairly healthy person so if I do, I can shake it. It's just a waiting game to see what happens. Oh well.

I have been quarantined from work for a week. hahaha no joke. Thankfully my job allows me to work from home with a laptop so I'll be parked on my couch or outside in the sun for the week. I also have a wedding to be in this weekend...Weeeee. I think after this, I am officially Katherine Heigl's character from 27 Dresses. Seriously. My formal dress collection is taking over my damn closet.

Anyway I am rambling...as par for me. I don't have another ortho appointment til the end of the month. I will continue to revel in this end game talk we speak of. If any other crazy details come up in my insane life, I will be sure to share them with you. That is if anyone is actually reading this anymore...hahaha

Peace out kids.

Soon these eyes will see the sun...

End of the summer! Seriously! End of the mother-effin summer!!

Weeeeee!

keep your fingers crossed....and toes

I am going to the ortho tomorrow. The last time i had high hopes of getting out of this soon, I was met with a huge blow to the ego....So I am trying to not get toooooo excited...but I am too.


Maybe my super sweet birthday present?? Maybe?? Pretty Pretty please??

Nearing the end? Hopefully?

I just want to go out, to a public place, once, and not have someone ask me about braces. Just once. I understand people are inquisitive by nature, and hell they are right in front of you. But isn't there a split second thought process that says, hey maybe she's heard this 8263489236 times and doesn't really want to talk about it? I will wait and see if she brings it up. (I would too)

I just want all of this to be over. I just want to get on with my life. I don't want people to pity my life, I don't need hollow compliments. And I certainly do not want to be the girl with braces anymore. Man. I didn't think finding something genuine would be so difficult. Some people just suck at life.

Anyways, updates...I went up to Dartmouth last week. Found out from the chief maxillofacial surgeon up there that I am in no way shape or form a candidate for a second surgery. Good right? Now it's just convincing my ortho to get these godforesaken things off. I never thought 18 months would be so damn long.

Ortho appointment tomorrow. I will update tomorrow with the latest

Withdrawls...

Wow it's been a while!

Sadly I really don't have anything to report as of yet. I just missed this thing and wanted to say hi. I make my trek to Lebanon, NH on April 14th for my 876347826th opinion. Ugh...I am so over this process. I really am...

Like i said no news here. I just missed it :-)

Quarter to Never

That's about when I will get my braces off. I am not joking.

So the outcome of today's meeting was....hmm...a better understanding...So you know me. I had my mind set on something so I ran in there, guns blazing. Yeah I had no idea what I was talking about and that was pretty evident. So to dumb it down a bit...

We all know I have 2 bites. The "bad" bite lets say is a -4 (to mean 4mm back). Ok? They do not want to do surgery now because my joint area is still molding, to where it needs to be. And if they did go in now, and make my bite a 0 (which would be the perfect bite)....after everything is healed, I could conceivably end up at a +4 (4mm forward). Make sense? Basically it's like operating on a growing child. Things are still shifting and molding to where they need to be and need to settle. This is a process that can take up to a year from now to complete.

Ok that makes sense. Their other argument was this...which I also did not know. The surgery would not be the same exact surgery. It would be a different cut to move the jaw forward. Now if you remember correctly, the original surgery was to, in essence, rotate my bite since it was basically shifted to one side. Simple enough. Well a down set of that was possibly not lined up front to back. It's line up side to side alright, but not necessarily front to back. Get it? Different cut means more pieces. For obvious reasons, one would want the old pieces to be fused together before you go in and start cutting new pieces. In the words of my fellow frenchies....I cut it three times, still to short! (if you haven't heard me do my frenchie speak, ask me...)

*sigh*

My concerns are the following...my employment situation, and hand in hand with that, my health care situation....which sadly has nothing to do truly do with my oral situation. I am ok with waiting, it makes sense. I'd rather wait til I am healed, and assess. I have come this far, I refuse to settle for mediocre. However, given the cucky economy and the gradual moving of my department to a southwestern state, I am not sure if I will be employed in a year, have health coverage (any or the same) in a year, I don't even know if I can guarantee I will be living in New England in a year!!! I suppose the last one will have to occur. Last thing I want to do is start all over with someone else half way through this. That would be foolish. However I have no control over employment and my health coverage. I know I can find other work if the inevitable happens. No worries on that front. However who is to say I will have Harvard Pilgrim? And if I don't, will the new insurance cover this!? My guess would be no...it's a pre-existing condition. Although I think I can appeal that really broad brush stroke. Given I have been getting treatment, and I haven't been without coverage since...oh I don't know....the day I was born?? God knows I have a manila folder at the Elliot about an inch and a half thick if they need proof...hahaha

ugh....more time...So that puts me in a holding pattern at the orthodontist until I am all together and such. She won't be happy. I am also driving up to EBF Lebanon, NH to get another opinion at the recommendation of all 3 doctors that looked at me today. Heeeey! Why not right?!? Let's put some more hands in the cookie jar...

I really am going to have the million dollar face when this is all said and done with. No one is ever allowed to touch it again. Gentle....it's been busted way too many times

I can say I am a little less angry and upset now....I am still discouraged, but what can I do right?

Maybe I'll be done with this by my 30th birthday? Maybe?

*sigh*

A prostho-wha?!

Prosthodontics

It's the word of the day. Google it...I dare you. This person deals with dentures, implants and various other "prosthetics" that go along with oral care. Why do I bring this up you ask? Well my dear friends....I will be seeing one of these specialists today. And yeah...I won't be nice.

So in typical Elliot fashion, they are trying to pawn me off on someone else, make me their problem. And from the googling....I THINK my surgeon is going to try and convince me that a night guard will help....really? ( Just typing that has infuriated me) I AM NOT GROWING ANYMORE. A NIGHT GUARD WILL NOT HELP! IT IS JUST A DAMN BAND AID FOR AN ISSUE THAT YOU KNOW ABOUT. SO GET IN THERE AND FIX THE DAMN THING.

Wow....

That felt good.

Yeah....I feel bad for Dr. Byron. He will be getting the Mean Jody today. Nobody pawns me off on someone else because they don't want to take responsibility. Fix it, don't band aid it. End of conversation.

I will let you know how that meeting goes this evening.

It shall be interesting. Wish me luck.

Defeat

I had to wait til today to post about the goings on of yesterday because...well...I was an utter mess.

If that doesn't pretty much tell you what I was told at the orthodontist, I don't know what will.

Anyway, here is the run down...I went to the orthodontist. I knew going into it I have 2 bites. As I have told you before we all have 2 bites, mine is just more severe than others. The surgeon has been quite ambiguous as to the repercussions of living with the double bite, but I will get to that later. I heard quite possibly the worst thing to ever hear...."I hate to give you bad news, but there is nothing more orthodontically I can do for you and your bite without another surgery." Wow....let that settle in...First mildly rational thought that comes to my head is can I live with what I have with no side effects? This I don't know. I call the orthodontist when I get to work and speak with her. She tells me that any of the following can happen :

- Absolutely nothing and I can go on my life with 2 bites
- Improper tooth wear which causes the bite to slip even further and worse.
- Jaw muscle/joint pain due to the stress of putting it in the proper spot.

But she can't tell me where I fall....no one can....Cause no can predict what will happen within the next 40 some odd years. What caused the sliding back of my rest bite? A multitude of things; possibly just the natural settling was wrong, perhaps my car accident...who knows....All we do know is that it is wrong. Why did it come out wrong? Well, I wasn't set in a rigid fixation (meaning screws put into my jaw to hold it in place). Why didn't the surgeon use screws? Well that, my dear readers, is the huuuuuuuuge variable with this surgery. There is no set way to perform this surgery. Some doctors only do rigid fixation...others feel that if the bone can heal on its own without metal, then that's the best way to go. The problem with no screws? Well exactly what you see here....

Ugh....I am not willing to take the risk to see if I never have any issues down the road...I have come too far....gone through too much....But now, I have just come to the realization that I went through 6 weeks of hell for absolutely nothing. Just to go through it again. Yes it is the SAME exact surgery. The only difference is he will be screwing it in place this time, I will insist upon it. the upside of that, is that I will only have my mouth wired shut for at most 4 days. Not too bad right? Onto a mushy diet right out of the gate....which is pretty much the diet I am still on now.

Game plan is this....I will call my friends at the Elliot tomorrow. Leave a message for the surgeon saying, I think it's best we go in and do it, and how soon can we get in to do it. The sooner they can get me in for it, the better. I don't want to wait another 2 months....we can expedite it, especially through an insurance company given the fact that its a mess up on their end and nothing that I could have controlled. Turn around time for stuff like that is usually pretty quick. (I went to the ENT and we determined I needed my tonsils out, 3 weeks later I was in there). No sense in letting the bone heal anyways when you are gonna break it again.

So yeah...that's the latest....looks like you have a whole other week or 2 coming worth of recovery. Sweet right?

Yeah I am gonna go back and cry into my wine....

What's the phrase again?

One step forward and 2 steps back? Or something like that...

Ugh...So I went to the Elliot today. Haven't been there in 4 weeks. I was a ball of emotions, excited, scared, nervous, and just tired. Let's just say this appointment did not disappoint. Good news first, I no longer need to carry some sort of surgical tool with me. This includes clamps, cutters, hooks, or syringes. Sweet right? I am down to one rubber band, the ginormous one in the front. Sweet right? Well wait. Apparently there was a cute little conversation between my surgeon and my orthodontist in between my last appointment and this one. She is not overly happy with the results, he is. So what does that mean? Well if the conclusion is that ok we aren't happy and we need better, that's another face breaking. Yeah, ANOTHER jaw surgery. Am I up for that? I don't know yet. I see the orthodontist tomorrow, and I suppose that will be the topic of discussion. I really cannot assess if I think I need another surgery until it all settles in. And not surprisingly, I am not fully healed yet. I am better than I was 4 weeks ago, but I think it will be another 4 weeks before it's all solid. I most certainly do not want my mouth wired shut for another 6 weeks, but if that's the way I need to go, then so be it.

Gah....And here I was hoping my ortho appointment tomorrow I would be able to discuss getting these godforsaken things off. Maybe I still will.

On top of that I got a cute bill in the mail today. $852.91....for the wham-bulance ride when I totaled my car. Hell if I would have known it was going to be that much, I could have just walked home. I knew I wasn't hurt. I was like 3 miles away from my house. Note to self: no more wham-bulances. I think Amica would still pay for it, but I dunno, its over a month later that these retards send me the bill. Jeez their billing system is worse than Fidelity's ;-)

I am also trying to fight a cough/cold...I may be winning, but I am not going to count my chickens before they hatch. I will be in bed early tonight...dreaming sweet dreams that I will wake up tomorrow and feel like a million bucks. Working out usually helps with clearing me out, and thankfully I have dance tonight. (East Coast Swing is quickly becoming one of my favorites)

I will let you all know how the orthodontist goes tomorrow. Keep your fingers crossed

I Once Was Lost...but Now I'm Found

So yeah the title is a bit deep....but I feel its appropriate.

I have been a bit off in updating this...OK a lot off...but I was out kind of finding myself again. Every so often I lose my way and I get sucked into a void of self-pity and laziness. It comes and goes in waves....always has since I got back to NH from college. Its hard trying to find a little niche that I fit into. People are shady, just in general, and can often be fake. Its hard trying to find a trustworthy person to latch onto who fits in ANY aspect of my life. But anyways I digress.... I found a new passion, that I have fallen head over heels in love with even after only one week. I have always loved to dance, I always felt I had some sort of rhythm. (Not to toot my own horn, but I think I have pretty good rhythm compared to some other people I know.) Anyways, I started taking ballroom/Latin dancing. Wow....it is a TON of fun. It's a lot of work, but it's a great, positive, and healthy way to spend evenings as opposed to sitting on the couch loafing and complaining about my orthodontic situation. Apparently my notion of rhythm and self confidence isn't all a farce either, my instructors noticed and want me to compete. How fun right?! It gives me something to strive for, to want to be good at....and even something to talk about with people! Class excites me and gives me the desire to want to practice every day...to get better so that I can compete, and compete effectively. I just wish those damn costumes weren't so much....but you know me I'll find a deal somewhere.

However, I know people joke, and I know I have been a bit sensitive about everything but seriously...some jokes get old. I spoke with some friends recently about the great line I have heard from any prospective guy I have come across..."Oh, you have braces?" Now that may sound innocent upon first read. Sure it does....but after the oh 7th time you have heard it, you get to figure out the meaning behind the phrase...."Oh you have braces...how about I call you when you get them off?" Yeah...thanks but no thanks. Some of these "men", if that's what you would like to address them as, whom I have met in prior months have come out of the wood works now that they know I am taking dance. Really? I'm not an exotic dancer, nor will I ever be. I am a bit too classy, and snobby, to ever do that. You should know that by now, honey. I am a bit insulted by these alleged former pursuants. Time to find something better to do with your time kids....and give me a jingle when you decide to grow up....which would be quarter to never.

So braces update...I have a billion rubber bands in my mouth. I have to wear them at all times, but I do take them out to eat. Its a good time and I look pretty hot if I must say so myself. I don't go back to the surgeon or the orthodontist until 1/19 and 1/20, respectively. Hopefully my jaw bone will no longer be floatin' around out in my face and actually be connected. What a concept!!! Otherwise all is well. I am excited for the promise of 2009 both on the orthodontic/facial reconstruction front and on the personal reinvention front. It shall be an exciting year...